Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Compliments and Self Loathing

In the past, and present for that matter, I have sometimes had trouble accepting compliments.  I believe it is a side effect from several things.  A teasing, taunting big brother who regularly called me "dummy" (who doesn't have one of those?), and some poor friend making decisions in early adulthood being just a couple.  When someone says something nice, it just makes me uncomfortable.  "No I'm not pretty YOU"RE pretty."  "Yes, my fried chicken is delicious, but not nearly as good as it should be."  Perhaps it's not my brother's fault at all.  Maybe in my mind, there's just always room for improvement.  I remember as a youngster always feeling I would grow up to be something fantabulous and wonderful, and, upon reaching the age of 30 (I'm looking at my 41st birthday later this week) thinking "this is it?".  I remember an episode at church one Sunday.  I was serving in the Relief Society Presidency and we were a relatively new Presidency so the Stake Relief Society President and her counselors had attended our branch in hopes of providing some assistance or maybe just to get a feel for the atmosphere.  In a meeting after church, there were some lovely things said about my lesson teaching technique and I just remember sitting in the chair with my hands up in a defensive mode.  It was like they were hitting me with their compliments.  After that day, I made a firm resolve to do better at that, so I came up with the lovely retort, "thanks, but I don't agree".  I'm sure that made everyone get in line to say something nice!  However, lately I've noticed myself without even thinking being able to say "thank you, yes that lesson did go nicely didn't it?" or something along those lines.  This is all thanks in large part, to a lovely lady named Helen, a lovely friend named Vicki, and a Heavenly Father with endless patience and understanding.  I find it interesting that, at least in my case, I don't realize how much I'm struggling with an issue until I begin to get better.  I'm that way with physical illness too.  I believe it is a strange phenomenon, but most likely, I'm just like everyone else.  Funny how that works, isn't it!  And I would just like to add that I absolutely love the way Heavenly Father lets us know he's aware of us.  There are tons of things if I just pay attention.  All of these little, seemingly meaningless events that mean so much to me each day.  I find it mind boggling how things both physical and spiritual are given to us at the precise time that we're ready for them.  Most of the time unable to see that they were given at the perfect time until later.  I find great comfort in the fact that someone who knows me so intricately and loves me so completely is the one who is taking care of me and guiding me to where I need to be.  Thanks!

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