Saturday, October 8, 2016

I've gotten old enough to remember

Last night I watched the movie "Argo".  It was interesting.  I was about 11 years old when the hostage crisis was going on. 
I remember seeing the footage from Tehran on the TV and asking my dad about it. 
I remember him trying to explain to me why terrorists would take hostages or burn the American Flag, or blindfold their prisoners, etc.
This was a turning point in my life as I recall.
It's when I stopped watching the news every night with my dad.
It's when I first realized there was an entire world other than America and that other countries were extremely different.
It's when I became fascinated with soldier"y", spy"y", secret mission"y" type books and movies.
Earlier today when I was having my weekly phone call with my mom, I mentioned that I had watched the movie.
For some reason, I was expecting it to be as momentous an occasion in her life as it was mine.  Not so.
I guess when you live through Vietnam, Korea, JFK, so on, so on, so on, the hostage crisis was just another drop in the bucket of uckiness that happens in the world.
Interesting the way memories work.  Interesting the triggers our brains make to take us back in time to feel as though we're right there in the midst of it again.

Saturday, September 17, 2016

Knowing myself

I like to think I know myself pretty well.  I think I'm very self aware.  The only problem with that is that I've thought that for several years.  Many years even.  But I'm constantly becoming more self aware.  So what does that mean?

It basically means I overanalyze. 

It also means that I have a habit of self correction and modification.  I very much like that about myself.  I like seeing something I don't like about my personality or mannerisms and setting about to change it.  I like knowing that I am a completely different person now than I was even 1 short year ago.  That is how fast personal growth can occur if you are genuinely interested in it and objectively look at yourself. 

It's also imperative that you understand the people around you.  The reason this is imperative is that you need to know who's opinions to take to heart and who's opinions to throw in the garbage.  Lots of them belong in the garbage, but there are always those select few.

Is this process also self torture?  YES!  Do I sometimes hate this aspect of myself more than I love it?  YES! YES! YES!  That's the beauty of it.

Who can turn the random person from cool as a cucumber to homicidal maniac in 5 seconds flat?  Usually, it's either your mother or your spouse.  Conversely, when you are in pain or heartbroken, who's name do you call?  Usually, it's either your mother or your spouse. 

So interesting how our emotions work.

Monday, September 5, 2016

Figuring myself out -- or trying to anyway

So yesterday, I had counseling.  My counselor, who I've been working with off an on for a few years, told me I'm using my past as a crutch. 

I begged to differ and never would have thought that.

I've been mulling it over in the last 24 hours mixed with the "why don't I deserve nice things" question.

A certain family member took everything that was of any worth to me.  Money, records, gifts I'd been given, you name it.  If by chance I did keep something from him (due to my exceptional hiding skills) I would use it wrong or incorrectly or not give it the appropriate respect, so others said.  Then my ex husband was very clear that he was the only one working so all that was in our home belonged to him since he paid for it.

Seems a dumb question now that I think about it.

So why the continued self sabotage?  My husband now is so fantastic I can barely stand it. Although he does still annoy me like any good husband would.  He would never deny me anything I wanted.

Interesting the human brain.  I'm sure it takes more than 12 years of a good marriage to undo a lifetime of whatever it is that happened to me.

Don't get me wrong--there's good stuff in my past as well.  Good memories.  Just like everyone I think.  There's good and bad.

So--for now--concentrated effort on letting go and not using a crutch.  So disgusted that I am "one of those".  Boo.