Saturday, September 17, 2016

Knowing myself

I like to think I know myself pretty well.  I think I'm very self aware.  The only problem with that is that I've thought that for several years.  Many years even.  But I'm constantly becoming more self aware.  So what does that mean?

It basically means I overanalyze. 

It also means that I have a habit of self correction and modification.  I very much like that about myself.  I like seeing something I don't like about my personality or mannerisms and setting about to change it.  I like knowing that I am a completely different person now than I was even 1 short year ago.  That is how fast personal growth can occur if you are genuinely interested in it and objectively look at yourself. 

It's also imperative that you understand the people around you.  The reason this is imperative is that you need to know who's opinions to take to heart and who's opinions to throw in the garbage.  Lots of them belong in the garbage, but there are always those select few.

Is this process also self torture?  YES!  Do I sometimes hate this aspect of myself more than I love it?  YES! YES! YES!  That's the beauty of it.

Who can turn the random person from cool as a cucumber to homicidal maniac in 5 seconds flat?  Usually, it's either your mother or your spouse.  Conversely, when you are in pain or heartbroken, who's name do you call?  Usually, it's either your mother or your spouse. 

So interesting how our emotions work.

Monday, September 5, 2016

Figuring myself out -- or trying to anyway

So yesterday, I had counseling.  My counselor, who I've been working with off an on for a few years, told me I'm using my past as a crutch. 

I begged to differ and never would have thought that.

I've been mulling it over in the last 24 hours mixed with the "why don't I deserve nice things" question.

A certain family member took everything that was of any worth to me.  Money, records, gifts I'd been given, you name it.  If by chance I did keep something from him (due to my exceptional hiding skills) I would use it wrong or incorrectly or not give it the appropriate respect, so others said.  Then my ex husband was very clear that he was the only one working so all that was in our home belonged to him since he paid for it.

Seems a dumb question now that I think about it.

So why the continued self sabotage?  My husband now is so fantastic I can barely stand it. Although he does still annoy me like any good husband would.  He would never deny me anything I wanted.

Interesting the human brain.  I'm sure it takes more than 12 years of a good marriage to undo a lifetime of whatever it is that happened to me.

Don't get me wrong--there's good stuff in my past as well.  Good memories.  Just like everyone I think.  There's good and bad.

So--for now--concentrated effort on letting go and not using a crutch.  So disgusted that I am "one of those".  Boo.

Sunday, August 28, 2016

Thoughts on Prayer

Due to a comment from a friend on last week's post, I've been thinking and "pondering" on prayer this week.  She shared with me that she has seen great power in prayer.  There was a time when I would have said, thought, and felt the same way. 

I'll be honest here, and share that my once next door to a zealot level faith is now essentially non existent for reasons not only too numerous to mention, but too boring and personal to go into here.

With that being said, my personal experience has been the more I pray, the more I try, the more pressure I put on myself, and do my hardest to be the best that I can be---the worse things get.  I know--refiner's fire and all that.  But my views on religion and spirituality have drastically changed in the last few (2-3) years. 

Last week I shared some struggles I've been having with my daughter.  Has that situation gotten any better?  Somewhat--we have mended things for the time being.  However,  it did not happen without more damage being done.  At least to my heart and emotional well being. 

Young adulthood is hard in the best of times.  You're not grown up, but you're not a kid anymore either.  You want to do things on your own, but you don't really know how to handle everything yet.  Not to mention that you're supposed to be knowing what you want to do for the rest of your life and deep down you most likely have absolutely no clue.  Add into that a few PTSD, ADD, Anxiety issues and those difficulties are multiplied by about a gozillion. 

So here's the question -- did the prayers of my good friend have any affect?  What is prayer for?  To help things turn out for the best or to help us be comforted and deal with how things turn out?  Does prayer actually have power? 

I believe so, but not in the traditional sense.  I believe that positive thoughts and feelings have power.  The same power if they are demonstrated on your knees or in any other sense.  Thinking and caring for others is powerful.  Not because a Heavenly Father gives it power, but because we are all connected to one another and when someone we care about is hurting, we are hurting.  When we even do so much as want to help, we are helping.  Just sharing thoughts and feelings of difficulty and confusion is comforting.  Having someone who cares about us individually commiserate and validate those feelings is even more comforting. 

So does prayer have power?  Yes.  It is the power of expressing love.  It is the power of the individual.  The power each of us carries within us by being compassionate for others. The power is not in the praying, but in the caring.

That is my opinion.  Every person has their own experiences and opinions and I do not expect that I am any different than many others.