Saturday, August 20, 2016

Just Life

I had seriously been loving having my daughter Jessica home from University for the summer.  Parts were hard as we are both obstinate and stubborn, but for the most part, I was really enjoying having her around.
Then one evening after having an argument with her step mother on the phone over some things I won't share here because they aren't my things to share, she threw an entire plate of food into the sink, breaking the plate, and started really yelling at me. 
To make a long story short, I have not seen her since that day.  I was right, she was wrong.  That's great.  I can't let her treat me like that.  Also great.  I should not always be fixing everything or letting her off the hook because she grew up with her dad and he is a fantastically royal asshole.  The greatest.  All of these points are agreed upon by a close friend Linda, my husband, and my counselor Helen, and myself.  I should not contact her.  I should wait for her to come home and apologize.
Totally stinks and I miss my kid. 
In other news, Jacob is doing pretty good with his first "living on his own at university" experience.  Pretty proud of the Jaybird.
Tom is an at home dad and I'm loving that as well, although I worry he will get depressed and bored.  But he says he's not so...
Things are overall going pretty good.  Have had a lovely Saturday putzing around the house.  


Sunday, September 29, 2013

Getting Stuck

I currently work in software development as a "Subject Matter Expert".  Sounds very exciting, but all that means is when there is a question about how certain things are done, the computer programmers or business analysts ask me, and I have to come up with some wonderfully eloquent (and correct) response. 

Through my job I've noticed a trend the last few months.  When certain features of the program are developed, the project team previews them to the management of the business areas that are scheduled to be the users.  No matter how much work, focus, or effort has gone into something; if one single part of the demonstration is incorrect or not ideal--these managers won't approve it--thus making the project team go back to the drawing board and work more hours and put forth more effort.  They get stuck on the one thing that isn't what they expected and either refuse or are unable to look at anything else.

This morning and last night as I was pondering on things and preparing for my Sunday services and partaking of the Sacrament, it occurred to me that I have also been doing this.  I have had a mighty struggle lately over something in my life that is not only difficult, but something I have put much prayer, effort, and personal sacrifice in preventing.  I have been angry with my Heavenly Father.  I have participated in acts of willful rebellion, which we all know is a very risky game to play with your exaltation.  Essentially, I have been stuck.  Focusing on the thing in my life that is not what I expected or wanted it to be.  I have been unwilling and unable to see the million and a half other fabulous things that Heavenly Father is also doing for me and for others in this situation.

I wondered if today would be the Fast Sunday that I would "break the fast" and bear my testimony.  I thought on what I would like to share.  As I sat and listened to the testimonies being shared, every single thought I wanted to share was spoken by another member of the Branch.  Every single thought.  It was a wonderful meeting.  My heart was touched.  I am not alone in my struggles.  God is there.

Am I still struggling? -- Yep.  But I have been able to feel His Spirit again and know that He is here with me and that everything that is happening is a part of the plan.  The plan I agreed would be the best for me and everyone I have stewardship with.  I will work through this with Heavenly Father's help and come out the other side stronger and better than ever!  


Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Not to be acted upon

Lately, I've been spending a lot of time contemplating  this scripture:

2 Nephi 2:26 

"And the Messiah cometh in the fulness of time, that he may redeem the children of men from the fall.  And because that they are redeemed from the fall, they have become free forever, knowing good from evil; to act for themselves and not to be acted upon, save it be by the punishment of the law at the great and last day, according to the commandments which God hath given."

It all started a couple of weeks ago when our lesson in Young Women's was on resisting sin.  The Young Women's President had us write a response to 10 questions on a piece of paper.  "I am a spirit child of Heavenly Father", "I was present in the Council in Heaven", and so on.  The first few questions really apply to everyone, but as they went on, we could see the questions were referring to Lucifer.  Lucifer is a spirit child of Heavenly Father, he was also present at the Council in Heaven, he is our spirit brother.  So.... what's the difference???  Agency--he did not want us to have a choice.

Then earlier this week as I was reading in this month's Ensign, I came across a quote from Elder David Bednar.
"In the grand division of all of God's creations, there are 'things to act and things to be acted upon'.  As children of our Heavenly Father, we have been blessed with the gift of moral agency, the capacity and power of independent action.  Endowed with agency, we are agents, and we primarily are to act and not merely be acted upon--especially as we 'seek learning...by study and also by faith'.

This brought even more pondering.  What power is our agency!  We can choose not to be offended, hurt, prideful.  We can choose our reactions.  The behaviour of others does not dictate our behaviour.  We have a choice.  We can choose not to put ourselves in situations where we know we would be tempted to compromise our standards.  We can choose to associate with those who share our standards and opinions and choose not to associate with those who don't.  Our life, our destiny, is our choice.  We can bind those who lead us astray with our choices. 

But first, we must know ourselves.  Study the scriptures, spend time in prayer and fasting, pondering gospel concepts.  Pondering our own behaviours.  Then, with that knowledge, we can make the choices that will best help us attain our eternal salvation.  And when we attain that goal, it will be so much more of a glorious celebration because we have earned it.  We made the choices, we set the goals, we endured to the end.   We showed our Father in Heaven that we are on His side as He does and will always show that He is on our side. 

What a wonderful blessing our agency is!  And the power of the Atonement to allow us to try again when we fall short of our goals.  What wondrous gifts!