Monday, October 3, 2011

Second guessing, or am I just rambling

A while ago, well, early this year--I had received a pretty strong "inkling" that I should pursue this going back to school thing I've been talking about for like a decade.  I spoke with my husband about it, and since I wanted to (after much thought and prayer) start really slow with a CNA class, eventually (hopefully) ending up a midwife, he stated he would be supportive to one class at a time.  This is a BIG deal!  He does not like me away from home in the evenings and doesn't want me to get over burdened or too busy so that I can't keep up with my family obligations.  A priority he knows is important to me and has a tremendous effect on my self esteem.

I finally went to the tech school here in town, got an application, finally filled it out and sent it in, and finally heard back.  Now I have to call and schedule a placement test.  In the midst of all of this, I've had serious promptings to get this done immediately so that I can leave my current place of employment.  Now, it isn't a bad company to work for at all, but the atmosphere in the area I work in is not conducive to my "not feeling like a worthless piece of crap all the time" goals. 

Then, I was given an amazing opportunity to be assigned to a huge project for the company.  This is a way out of my current area.  I thought, "well maybe I was wrong about that school stuff".  "Perhaps I was just unhappy". 

Well, things are happening at work that are difficult to describe.  There is sabotage, false witnessing, etc, and the list goes on and on.  I suddenly found myself trying to devise a plan of how I could participate in the project while distancing myself from those I am being sent to work with. 

Now, I was still thinking I had been off base about the school idea (will I ever "get it"??).  Then, this morning in my scripture reading, I read about the people of King Lamoni and how they wanted to distance themselves from the non believers so they came up with a new name of Anti Nephi Lehies.  It occurred to me that this was similar to what I was trying to do, only without the leaving and disassociating (which is kind of a necessary part of distancing oneself).  As I drove to work, I became more and more upset the closer I got to the building and realized this happens almost every day. 

This is why I need to go to school.  This is why I need to do something different.  Not because I am not righteous enough, or faithful enough, or grateful enough, or anything enough.  This is just not where I need to be.  I work for a good company with some good people and have good benefits and have finally been able to make some friends (it takes me sooo long).  But I believe there is something different I need to be doing.  So tomorrow, I will call and pay the $20 fee and schedule the test and start on my road to a more care giving career. 

Why do we second guess ourselves?  It just takes longer that way and you have to learn things the hard way.  Wish me luck!

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