Monday, September 5, 2016

Figuring myself out -- or trying to anyway

So yesterday, I had counseling.  My counselor, who I've been working with off an on for a few years, told me I'm using my past as a crutch. 

I begged to differ and never would have thought that.

I've been mulling it over in the last 24 hours mixed with the "why don't I deserve nice things" question.

A certain family member took everything that was of any worth to me.  Money, records, gifts I'd been given, you name it.  If by chance I did keep something from him (due to my exceptional hiding skills) I would use it wrong or incorrectly or not give it the appropriate respect, so others said.  Then my ex husband was very clear that he was the only one working so all that was in our home belonged to him since he paid for it.

Seems a dumb question now that I think about it.

So why the continued self sabotage?  My husband now is so fantastic I can barely stand it. Although he does still annoy me like any good husband would.  He would never deny me anything I wanted.

Interesting the human brain.  I'm sure it takes more than 12 years of a good marriage to undo a lifetime of whatever it is that happened to me.

Don't get me wrong--there's good stuff in my past as well.  Good memories.  Just like everyone I think.  There's good and bad.

So--for now--concentrated effort on letting go and not using a crutch.  So disgusted that I am "one of those".  Boo.

1 comment:

Ritsumei said...

I've known some people who wallowed in their past, not only using it as a crutch, but also denying that there was anything wrong. These people uniformly refuse to admit that they, themselves, are responsible... for anything.

To me, the fact that you could worry that you are "one of those", and be unhappy about that, suggests the opposite: I doubt that's you. And that's something that I respect tremendously: it's hard to recover from abuse.